The nice guys

"And most  of these guys were not assholes and creeps,
but nice guys - the ones women always say they're looking for
yet at the same time never seem attracted to."
Neil Strauss - Rules of the Game

When it comes to approaching women I have a problem with insisting and pressing on. I met a lot of men advocating this "method" but I think there is a subtle difference in women that as time goes by seems more and more relevant. And that is:
The woman of the same nature with man but opposing sign vs. the object woman.
The former is like electricity poles or, better yet, magnetic poles - same nature but different, opposing, attracting signs. The latter is of different nature, somehow inferior; the partner presses it, commands it and disposes of it as of an object.




Thus when you approach a woman of same nature with you, she, as in a mirror, approaches you. You make one step towards her, she make one step towards you. There may be different style of steps. One bold, one subtle; one determined, one playful. But you can see and fell an echoing, and you can see inside her more and more as she can see inside you more and more. You make the steps not win over the distance but to actually see inside her better.

Whereas, when you approach the object-woman, she is passive, you have to press on and insist taking silence as an "yes", or more precisely - as a lack of a "no". She is not interested in anything of depth about you, and you turn out to be interested only in her body... As a matter of fact, with women very much on the object side you have the impression that she does not speak your language, nor negotiating a common language with you, but she is rather uninterested with what you say as with what anybody says - she is only looking for the tone of your voice and makes far fetched guesses... like a dog would; and sometimes like a cat would. And that may sound heavy handed and unrealistic, I know - it is; it is an extreme case helping me make a point. Imagine you being a great poet, a great philosopher, a great orator, or a great stand-up comedian for that matter, and talking to... the dog of your life... Wouldn't that be a shame?! Imagine you making only the most rudimentary jokes, because she lacks the cultural background or the intelligence or the general sincerity to her own self to understand any beyond that level. She might sit dull or she might laugh equally on everything you say without understanding and without being able to take it from there and grow it and feed you back causing amplification. Imagine how such a woman makes love, or sex actually; look at most of the porn industry and you will understand - and if you, as a man, are not bothered by that - well... I haven't got to the object-man yet.

The kind of man preferring the woman of same nature, will want to go in depth to know her, to be echoed by her and vice-versa. It's growing together, going in depth and feeling free to sometimes want something different that's at the center of the relationship. Even if it means ending it. They are aware of the other completeness as a human being  and also of their perpetual change. And they are aware of the greater them that they form when together. And are grateful to that gift. This may seem like when you are in love but I really think that it is a more permanent state of mind, that people focused on authenticity and reality, inner and outer, achieve more and more easily along the way.

The kind of man preferring the object-woman knows that one has to drive a woman, tell her what to do, disallow some of her behaviors and in general - forge her as one needs her. There might be an independence resembling respect as long as they are parted - the woman is "free" to go to beauty saloons, drive the expensive car, go shopping, play with the phone and take the dog out; he is free to be real busy and important, make money, give orders, fool around with other women. But when they are together and intimacy should occur the roles take an vertical axis - "you were free to do what you want, now you do what I want."

So what's the mater with insisting and pressing on ? If you need to do that too much with a woman you will probably end up in a person - object relationship. And I think the damage comes to both: The woman slides into the object position while the man slides into the inauthentic, lonely and cold power position.

And here it is the funny part: There's some kind of bug in human mind that make women look for men that can be mostly in power position, coldly eliminating all adversity and competition, even find competition where there is none. As if the world is a cruel and adverse place to live. And if it's not, well then you will create competition and a target for your cold blood - in your partner. That's your speciality and that is what you have been tested for initially, right?

I prefer to see the world more as a empathetic place, where we are connected to each other whether we want it or not. May you find the deepest joy and as Rumi says what you seek be seeking you.